I just lost it. I was so frustrated and felt defeated. I know it's not my fault or anyone's fault that there was no progress. He's just not ready. My body just isn't ready. I need to keep reminding myself that 80% of first time mothers give birth an average of 8 days late. The nurse at Maitri was really helpful and also let me know that while 80% of first time moms go to 41 weeks, only 10% go to 42 weeks so hopefully I should see some action sooner than later.
It's just really hard not to let your mind go to really horrible places. It also doesn't help that some people have really strong opinions on a woman's ability to go past 42 weeks and have no problem telling you about the few babies born at 42 weeks with underdeveloped lungs and health problems. Like I wasn't scared enough already! I spent a lot of time yesterday doing a lot of research about my options and the risks associated with going past 42 weeks. I'm confident in the group of providers I have chosen and I need to trust that they wouldn't do anything to harm me or my baby.
As much as yesterday really sucked, it was also really great to get in my car, lose my shit and know the first person I wanted to call was my husband. Granted, I scared the shit out of him because I was doing that really ugly cry where you can't make sentences and he was terrified something was actually wrong. By the time I calmed down and was able to make words he was prepared with all of the right things to say to calm me down and he was just so wonderful. I really do love him more than ever after this process. I can't even imagine the love I will feel for him once our bundle is here.
In hopes of keeping my mind off of things and distracting myself for a bit I decided to come into work today. I honestly had a little panic about the decision this morning before coming in. I hadn't actually taken the time to get dressed in over a week, it was already getting hot and I felt really huge, I was worried about the comments I would get, etc. My mind was reeling and I found myself crying twice before I even got to the office. But then I got at text from the front desk that maintenance had saved me not one but two parking spots, one at each end of the building, to ensure I wouldn't have to walk far to get to the office. How amazing is that?
I continued on my way, feeling better about my decision when I saw this license plate. Anyone who knows me knows that I love the Princess Bride and that this was such a sign to me that things were going to be ok. Dumb I know, but it works for me.
I pulled into the lot and found that the building maintenance team not only reserved me a spot, but they reserved my favorite spot. I really felt special.
As I walked into the building I actually felt really happy. It felt good to be back at work. What a great sign. I really do love my job and the people I work with. It also didn't hurt that I purposely planned to come back on croissant sandwich day. My favorite day of all.
All in all, I'm really happy I came into work today. I even stayed longer than I had anticipated. I'm going to pack up and head home now but I'm really really happy I came. It was a nice way to break up the week and put a little extra pep in my step. I feel less isolated and sad and it's nice to know that a lot of people really do care and were genuinely happy to see me. I really will miss this place when I'm on leave. I'm sure I'll be coming in for the occasional breakfast or lunch date to get my fix while I'm out. I'm truly one lucky girl to be able to work in such a great place.
Now come out and enjoy all of the love and wonderful things this world has to offer you, baby boy! We're all waiting with baited breath.
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