William's Birth Story

Here I sit, a week out from William's birthing day and there's so much to reflect on. I received a lot of advice to write down my laboring experience sooner than later because there are a lot of little details I'll likely forget. I'm sure this would have been a completely different post several days ago but I wanted to wait a week out so I could reflect and also sit down for a long period of time. So here goes nothing!

I woke up on Saturday, August 31 sad to still be pregnant and jonesing for an amazing latte. As the day progressed I started to feel like something was about to happen. (full details here)

For some reason, while I half knew I was in early labor I decided chorizo, kale, black bean and corn burritos were an excellent idea. Really, really bad choice.

Anyhoo, we decided after burrito-ing that we should watch a movie and see what happens labor wise. About 3/4 of the way through Tron Legacy I realized things were progressing and I was tired. For some reason it was super important to Ev that I not fall asleep during the movie so I kept trying to keep myself awake until I kind of snapped at him "honey, it's a movie, we'll live if I fall asleep!"

At around 11pm we headed up to bed for the night.

1:30am: I'm woken up by pretty uncomfortable contractions. I decide to use the handy dandy contraction app a friend recommended and started timing them. Text my sister to let her know she might need to be awake to head to the hospital.

1:45am: Realize Ev has never seen the YouTube video of Jimmy Fallon and the Roots singing Blurred Lines using elementary school instruments. We obviously had to watch it before bringing life into the world.

2:00am: 10 minutes apart. Decide to call the midwife to let her know things are progressing. She recommends we time them for another hour and let her know when they're around 5 minutes apart.

2:10am: Realize we still haven't decided on a middle name. Consider using Flynn because we were watching Tron during early labor but Ev said it was a bit too Irish and neither of us are so it wasn't a good fit. Brought up the idea of Elliott again after our street in Brooklyn and to give him the same initials as E's dad. We decide it's a winner. Nothing like the last minute here kids! 

2:30am: Decide to get in the tub to help me stay comfortable and time contractions. This makes using the app a bit tricky and in hindsight I totally stopped the timer prior to the end of quite a few contractions so we were at this point probably around 4-5 minutes apart but I thought we were at like 8 minutes.

3:30am: Realize I need to get to the hospital and call Kristen (midwife). She suggests we head there to meet her and get me measured. 

4:00am: Magically manage to not only easily find my sister at the hospital, but park right next to her so she can help us in. Head up to the birthing center and check in at the nurses station between contractions.


They let me know things were very busy and they led me to room 10. A room with no tub... To which I proclaimed "this fucking sucks". Someone must have gotten the memo or read my birth wishes because no sooner did I head to the bathroom and someone came in to say they were cleaning room 5 (gorgeous corner room with a big tub and amazing lake views) and that I could move over there. Successful potty mouthing!

At this point I'm really uncomfortable and keep asking how long until I can get in the tub. Because things are so busy I just have my sister and Ev draw a bath and they let me know they can use the monitor while I'm in the tub. Score.

So I'm in the tub for a while, Kristen comes in and asks how things are doing. We get out of the tub so she can measure me. She clocks my cervix at 80% effaced still but 6cm dilated. Good progress! Things should be happening soon. Totally.

This is when things get fuzzy. Mostly because I was in pain and also because the hours just really started fading together.

I remember being so excited for the big room with the wall of windows and when the sun came up I was so pissed that my baby wasn't here yet that I made everyone shut the curtains because I was so mad.

I'm not sure what time it was but I started vomiting pretty early on as well. First in the bed and all over the floor (sorry everyone) and then into the garbage from the tub, and on the toilet, and then into some long baggy thing in the bed. Seriously, why is it not a well-known fact that most women vomit during labor? Oh, because it's like pouring salt in a really huge gaping vaginal wound, that's why.

I started pushing at around 10am in pretty much every position possible. The tub, the toilet, the bed, so many positions on the bed. At this point, Kristen's shift was done and Amy was coming on. I'm so glad the weekend provided me with 2 of my favorite practitioners because although I'm not happy I had 14ish total hours of labor, I am pleased I got to see both of them on my birthing day.

I actually really needed both of their bedside styles at the very times they were available to me. I needed Kristen's loving, nurturing and kind presence in my early stages when I was optimistic and thought things were going smoothly and that I was going to labor much like my sister and cousin and have the baby in the early afternoon. Then when Amy came on and I realized I was in it for the long haul I needed to be able to swear like a trucker, call my baby an asshole, loudly proclaim that burritos were a bad idea as I was shitting everywhere and know that Amy would not only take it but give it right back.

At one point we joked about using potato chip clips on nipples, the huge size of my husband's head and it being something I should have taken into consideration during the dating stages, she may have loudly proclaimed several times that my sister was a freak for having her kids in like, 3 hours. Which actually made me feel really good because I honestly expected to have a super fast labor and felt like a bit of a failure for things taking so long. I also at that point mentioned that the clock was mocking me and wishing it would go away. It did not go away.

Probably around noon or so (I honestly have no idea when it happened. This is 100% a guess. It could have been 10am) my water broke and I was hopeful things would progress much quicker and he would be here soon. Even the most amazing labor and delivery nurse, Allison wasn't helping. Let me tell you, this woman was the butch gym teacher version of a nurse. And exactly what I needed. When she was in the room it was like labor boot camp. With my leg firmly in her grasp and her loud booming voice yelling in my ear I really felt like I could get this kid out. He was slowly but surely moving his way out of me. Key word here being slowly. But little progress was being made and my energy stores were wasting away quickly.

After 6 hours of pushing, vomiting, shitting, swearing and calling my kid a little dick for not coming out, I decided I had had enough. My body wasn't producing strong contractions anymore and I just had nothing left to give. I was literally on empty.

Me: "Amy, this fucking sucks. What are my options?"
Amy: "Well, we can give you pitocin to get the contractions going and you'll probably need an IV and epidural or we can use the vacuum extractor"
Me: "Vacuum this kid out of me, Amy"

At this point it was 2:45pm. Amy said we could try pushing to 3pm and make a decision. I asked what the vacuuming process was and she said I still had to push through contractions to get him out and it wasn't an immediate thing. I assured her I literally had nothing left and needed him out.

She let me know that she would need to call in the pediatric team because he might need to be checked out if he seems stunned on his exit. I was totally ok with all of this because I just knew he needed to come out and this seemed like the most natural way to get him here in the fastest way.

After 3 more contractions, 12 more pushes and 2 vacuum extractors later, William Elliott Goldfried was born into the world at 3:20pm EST at 8lbs 12oz and 21 inches long.

Apparently it's a good thing I had my eyes closed during the pushing because there were shared looks of horror on all of the doctors faces and my sister when his head came out and he was looking at everyone. No one knew he was posterior, which is why it took so long for him to come out. He did come out a bit stunned and had to go to the pediatric team immediately. This means I didn't get to hold him first, nor did we get to wait until the umbilical cord stopped pulsing before it was cut. As much as I'd like to say this bothered me, it really didn't. I made the choices I needed to make in order to bring my son into this world.

Immediately after he was born I felt like a human again. They took William to the weighing and clean off station in the corner with the pediatric team. All in yellow gowns like some sort of Greek chorus quietly congratulating my husband on becoming a father. Amy and the resident quickly took to pushing on my belly to get the placenta out, which I absolutely did not feel coming out at all. My adrenaline had kicked in and I immediately whipped off the cute indigo blue bikini top I had been wearing the whole time in order to have skin to skin with my son when he was ready.

I held him and saw him and loved him immediately. Funny enough though, I didn't cry. So many times during labor I wanted to cry but I knew I didn't have the energy to spend on something so pointless. By the time he was born I honestly probably didn't even have tears left in my body. In hindsight I realized that I didn't really let myself cry the whole day for fear of just not being able to stop.

As I held my son, Amy and the resident took to stitching me up for what felt like an eternity. At one point I asked her if she was giving me a Harry Potter lightning bolt and told Ev we'd have to name his penis Voldemort. Then, after another like, 10 minutes of stitching that felt like an hour, I asked if she was just closing up shop down there to avoid me ever having to do that again. Someone mentioned something about the next time while we were in the delivery room still and I told them to shut the fuck up if they ever thought I was doing that again. 

The long and the short of it is, if you had asked me 3 days ago, I would have said I would never do that again. Honestly. Period. Happy with one baby. Sorry Will, no siblings. We can take really amazing vacations and you can bring a friend. But now, 7 days out, I'd probably do it again but maybe a bit differently next time.

In hindsight, I'm really glad I didn't know much about the vacuum extraction process before I made the choice because I may not have done it and I can confidently say I really needed it. I had no idea that the hematoma that the vacuum process causes can effect the baby's ability to suckle and effectively breastfeed. It can also bruise his little brain. Thankfully neither of these things were an issue as my baby is 100% an absolute rock star who handled the birthing and laboring process better than I did. At no time did his heart rate go to an unacceptable rate. The only thing he really sucked at was being in the right position to come out. Oh and for being huge and late. But the huge part is not his fault. I blame Ben and Jerry.

Before I had Will I stood firmly that vaginal, unmedicated birth was the only acceptable way to bring a child into this world. Now I realize how naive I was. Childbirth is hard work. That's why it's called labor. We're so lucky to live in a day and age that we have options. You no longer have to be strapped down and drugged but you also have that option if that seems attractive to you. You can also just decide vaginal birth is just not your thing and have a cesarean. Science is awesome like that. Now that I've struggled through an unmedicated 14 hour labor ending with 6 hours of pushing and a vacuum extraction, I have to say, I bet epidurals really are awesome. I may get one next time. Movies like Business of Being Born have demonized medication and doctors and hospitals and their treatment of pregnant women and birth. I'll say it right now, I know I'm amazingly lucky to live in Vermont where I have options and people who listen and hippie nurses and doctors, so I'm sure my experience is and always will be different than that of others, but I trust in my medical providers and their expertise.

If epidurals and pitocin harmed babies, they wouldn't be allowed to use them. If cesareans were really as horrible as documentaries make them out to be, they wouldn't do them voluntarily. Granted, there are studies that the labor process is beneficial for the baby, but we're so lucky to have options as women.

At the end of the day I'm proud of the way I brought my baby into the world, the pain I endured, the strength I showed and the amazing bundle of love I created with my husband. But now that he's here I realize it doesn't matter how he came out. He's here. He's healthy and he's loved. That's what really matters. 

Editors Note: A huge thanks has to go out to my amazingly wonderful husband and sister. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many amazing people. There is absolutely no way in hell I could have gotten through the day without both of them being there for me and I think they probably feel the same way. At the end of the day they were both dead on their feet and they kept it together for me. That kind of love and support is truly amazing and wonderful and just fills my heart with so much joy.

Without further adieu. Welcome to the world baby boy. You are so lucky, so loved and so precious. I can't wait to see the amazing things you'll do with your life. Mamma loves you.

41 Weeks

Today marks 41 weeks of pregnancy. It wasn't as pampery of a day as 40 weeks was, but I'm ok with that. We went for a nice walk this morning and then for breakfast at Chefs Corner. I have to say, everything I got was just amazing.

I love their lattes and I absolutely loves my French toast. 

After breakfast we headed to the dog park to get the pup some exercise before the forecasted rain rolled in. 

There's a really nice nature path surrounding the dog park so we went for a nice stroll around to keep me moving and further wear out Milo.

It's now after 7pm and I've been having contractions since about 1:45. They were an hour apart until about 5:45 but now we're holding strong at about 30mins apart. They could still fizzle out but I'm hoping this is the start of something great. Fingers crossed!

Another Day

Day 6 past due was way better than day 5. Today we went to Maitri for a non-stress test (NST) and amniotic fluid ultrasound check to make sure bambino is truly happy in there.

I honestly had no idea what to expect from the NST so I was understandably a little anxious. Which means that when my husband got in the shower 20 minutes before our appointment I was absolutely furious. I may have actually fantasized about reminding him that I don't legally have to put him on the birth certificate. In his defense he shockingly made it to the appointment a mere 2 minutes late. Bravo sir.

Anyhoo, the test was totally fine and not scary at all. They basically strap your belly up to a Doppler that monitors the heart rate, another that monitors contractions and give you a Jeopardy buzzer to push when the baby moves. That way they can test how his heart rate changes based on his movement and your contractions. 

It looks a little something like this...

In the 30 minutes I was attached Anne, the amazing nurse running my test, had to fill me with ice cold water, feed me a granola bar and then held an electric toothbrush to my belly to wake this kid up. Dear God I can only hope you sleep so well on the outside. In that time I had one small contraction and we were finally able to determine all was well on the inside and that I could move on to the next phase. The ultrasound.

We didn't leave without some advice from Anne, though. She recommended we have Jennie sweep my membranes (a natural induction technique we planned on discussing anyway) and then go for a big lunch, hour walk, take a shower and let the water hit my chest and belly then have sex. In that order and all today. It seemed like a tall order to fill but we said we'd talk to Jennie and figure it out.

We had another great appointment with Jennie. We hadn't seen her since we were at the hospital so it was good to see her again under somewhat better circumstances. The ultrasound was good. He had the fluid he needed and is ready to rock. Just lazy. She did point out that my placenta is starting to detach from my uterus because its ready to be done working and that if he doesn't come naturally on his own in another week or so we'll have to schedule an induction. However, we have plenty of time and other options to pursue between now and then.

We talked about membrane sweeping. The pros and cons and what it entails. 

I had read this article (posting remotely so link is below) so I already felt I knew and understood my options an luckily there were no  surprises.

We decided to go ahead and do it. I won't lie, it was pretty painful but didn't last long. I have been bleeding since and needed a panty liner or pad for most of the day but that's to be expected. I've also been insanely crampy. I basically feel like I'm having a really bad period. Something I had kind of forgotten about over the past 9mos.

Now reviews are mixed on whether or not membrane sweeping actually works but some say they went into labor the same day. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but that would be awesome.

Jennie was saying her 2 favorite dates for  people to have babies are Labor Day and Mother's Day. Let's hope my son loves puns as much as I do and decides this weekend is the right time.

Oh and for the record, Anne is awesome but crazy. There was no way I was walking or will be having sex with this cramping business going on. No effing way.

http://www.midwife.org/ACNM/files/ccLibraryFiles/Filename/000000000669/Stripping%20Membranes.pdf

More Ups and Downs

Yesterday was a really tough day. I had my 41 week check with the midwife to see how things were progressing. Seeing as I had more progress in the effacement and dilation departments than I had anticipated the week before, I was positive I must have made more progress. I mean, I had been doing everything the old wives tell you to do to induce labor. Massages, reflexology, red raspberry leaf tea, evening primrose oil, herbal aromatherapy, intercourse, spicy food, exercise. Everything. My effacement didn't progress at all and I was only a half centimeter more dilated. What.The.Fuck.

I just lost it. I was so frustrated and felt defeated. I know it's not my fault or anyone's fault that there was no progress. He's just not ready. My body just isn't ready. I need to keep reminding myself that 80% of first time mothers give birth an average of 8 days late. The nurse at Maitri was really helpful and also let me know that while 80% of first time moms go to 41 weeks, only 10% go to 42 weeks so hopefully I should see some action sooner than later.

It's just really hard not to let your mind go to really horrible places. It also doesn't help that some people have really strong opinions on a woman's ability to go past 42 weeks and have no problem telling you about the few babies born at 42 weeks with underdeveloped lungs and health problems. Like I wasn't scared enough already! I spent a lot of time yesterday doing a lot of research about my options and the risks associated with going past 42 weeks. I'm confident in the group of providers I have chosen and I need to trust that they wouldn't do anything to harm me or my baby.

As much as yesterday really sucked, it was also really great to get in my car, lose my shit and know the first person I wanted to call was my husband. Granted, I scared the shit out of him because I was doing that really ugly cry where you can't make sentences and he was terrified something was actually wrong. By the time I calmed down and was able to make words he was prepared with all of the right things to say to calm me down and he was just so wonderful. I really do love him more than ever after this process. I can't even imagine the love I will feel for him once our bundle is here. 

In hopes of keeping my mind off of things and distracting myself for a bit I decided to come into work today. I honestly had a little panic about the decision this morning before coming in. I hadn't actually taken the time to get dressed in over a week, it was already getting hot and I felt really huge, I was worried about the comments I would get, etc. My mind was reeling and I found myself crying twice before I even got to the office. But then I got at text from the front desk that maintenance had saved me not one but two parking spots, one at each end of the building, to ensure I wouldn't have to walk far to get to the office. How amazing is that?



I continued on my way, feeling better about my decision when I saw this license plate. Anyone who knows me knows that I love the Princess Bride and that this was such a sign to me that things were going to be ok. Dumb I know, but it works for me.

I pulled into the lot and found that the building maintenance team not only reserved me a spot, but they reserved my favorite spot. I really felt special.

As I walked into the building I actually felt really happy. It felt good to be back at work. What a great sign. I really do love my job and the people I work with. It also didn't hurt that I purposely planned to come back on croissant sandwich day. My favorite day of all.

All in all, I'm really happy I came into work today. I even stayed longer than I had anticipated. I'm going to pack up and head home now but I'm really really happy I came. It was a nice way to break up the week and put a little extra pep in my step. I feel less isolated and sad and it's nice to know that a lot of people really do care and were genuinely happy to see me. I really will miss this place when I'm on leave. I'm sure I'll be coming in for the occasional breakfast or lunch date to get my fix while I'm out. I'm truly one lucky girl to be able to work in such a great place.



Now come out and enjoy all of the love and wonderful things this world has to offer you, baby boy! We're all waiting with baited breath.

A Professional Opinion

We're on day 3 of past due baby watch. In the grand scheme of past due babies it's obviously not that long. In the grand scheme of Augusts, it's also been super mild. Today is supposed to hit about 70% humidity so it's not that pleasant, but overall I've been really lucky.

Today I made a call to the triage nurses at my midwifery because I wanted to see if it was normal to release your mucus plug then continue to have sporadic discharge thereafter. We ended up having a really great conversation. She was very sweet and supportive and assured me that most first babies go to 41 weeks, that my discharge is totally normal and that it's also super normal to be a bit frustrated with your body right now. She also said I seem to be getting my stats and information from valid sources and that I seem to be very in tune with my body and well-educated about what's going on. She assured me that when I'm in real labor, I'll know and there won't be any guessing. It was all really reassuring. I think I've gotten to a point where I'm listening to other people and their laboring/birthing experiences and not trusting my body. While I'm not 100% sure of everything that is going on in my body right now, I need to trust it, the process and my baby. Definitely advice I needed to hear. It also really helps me to further confirm (not that I needed to) that I chose the right practice for my first birth experience. They're so supportive, available and smart. Everything I need.

Tomorrow I have a 41 week checkup to see how I'm progressing downstairs and to see how ginormous I've gotten. I've been eating without abandon and not exercising as much. I've been getting around a mile a day in with the dog, but with the amount of eating I'm doing I know it's not enough. Now that I'm not in the office, I'm not getting as much regular walking in. My gym membership also lapsed so I'm not getting into the pool like I used to.

So now, I'm off to eat couscous leftovers my amazing husband made for me and practice my patience. ohmmmmmm.

Overtime

Here we are, two days past due. I had a serious talk with myself to help me stay patient. I'm so lucky he's healthy, I'm healthy, and I'm not all that uncomfortable for the most part. I definitely pushed it a bit too much yesterday because after 2 small walks with pup today I'm really sore.

I did, however, go for a pedicure with my sister today. I didn't necessarily NEED one, but I was very clear with the girl that I wanted her to hit the reflexology point for inducing labor. She did a pretty awesome job at the foot rub, but we'll see if it does anything. 

While the reflexology massage on Saturday didn't bring me a baby, I  definitely had contractions that night. I guess it will only get you so far if your baby isn't ready to come out yet. 

I'm doing my best to be patient and I think people are finally catching on. I'm getting fewer 'did you have the baby yet' calls and texts, which is nice. I mean, again, I'm so lucky people care and that my baby is coming into a world so full of love. But it's hard to feel like you're letting people down. 

Now it's time to relax and just take care of me and baby boy until he comes out and joins the party.

Due date

Well, today was my due date and still no baby. Not that I expected him to come today, but I got enough inquiries as to whether or not I was still pregnant that I hoped he would. 

Regardless, today was a really nice day. We went for a long brisk walk with pup then to prohibition pig for brunch where the owner gave me a free bib for being there on my due date and we ended up meeting Lauren and Michael for an impromptu hang out. 

When we got home I decided to make a reflexology appointment to try and help get this kid out. I tried a new place and it ended up being lovely! Then my sister had us over for dinner and a campfire with s'mores. 

I didn't really say anything to anyone, but this morning I had quite a bit of discharge with some discoloration and I was hopeful it was my mucus plug. Alas, here I am, 12 hours later with no real labor progress so I guess it wasn't. It's really frustrating as an adult to not know what's going on in your body. There are so many new sensations during pregnancy that its hard to know what they mean. I'm sure in hindsight I'll realize what some of this was, or it will all have been a whole lot of nothing. A total possibility. 

I guess only time will tell. Until then, s'mores. 

When you know you know

Well all the second guessing I have been doing is confirmed...ish. I woke up at 12:30 this morning with what I believe are contractions. They're not 'go to the hospital' strong yet, but progressing. I also thought I passed my mucus plug yesterday, but just now when I went to take a shower I undeniably passed my mucus plug. I know, totally gross but people asked for honest updates here so that's what I'm doing...

Hopefully big news is on the way!

Due Date Eve

Well it's the night before my due date and the Goldfried house is full of sleepy boys. 

I can't wait to add another sweet face to the pile. A sweet face that still doesn't have a middle name... Yup. No hurry. Just, you know, due any day now. But no middle name. I mean, it could be worse, we could have no first name. But I just don't do well with uncertainty so on top of not knowing when he's coming I now don't really know what his birth certificate is going to say. Oh brother...

Nearing the Finish Line!

Today I had a really great appointment with my midwife, Kristen. My sister joined me today because E is going into work early in order to come home early and take care of me. It was the first time she had seen her in about 10 years, since she birthed her youngest.

It was exciting to have someone there who hadn't been to all of the appointments and that got emotional during the heart beat check. We just got used to hearing it so while it was reassuring and wonderful to hear, it wasn't really an emotional aspect of the appointments anymore. It's kind of nice to revisit that feeling.

She measured me in at about 37cm, up 1cm since last week but still down 1.5 since 2 weeks ago. He's definitely descended and ready to rock. I also was personally a little happy with myself because deep down I didn't really think I was THAT big, but every time someone asked how many kids I was having or how far along I was and then was surprised I had so much time left, I started to really wonder if I was too big. To know I never measured 40cm like women are supposed to was really validating. Take that jerks!

Today was also my first cervical exam. With everything I had going on at work, I declined one last week because I didn't want to know if I was dilated and to be nervous I'd go into labor before my presentation. I was already concerned enough with just a regular exam telling he had descended into my pelvis so I can't even imagine how neurotic I would have been if I had known whether or not I was dilated at that time. This week she found I was 80% effaced and 1cm dilated. She said everything was soft and ready for action down there and that I had a "good pelvis". I'm not really sure what that means and it isn't a compliment I've gotten before but I felt oddly proud. She also was able to touch his head during the cervical exam. No joke. My kid is tangible from the vag. CRAAAAAZYYYYYY!

She then guessed he was around 7.5lbs and "not that big" with a good sized head. Pair that with my apparently awesome pelvis and I'm super pumped to meet this guy. C'mon out little one!

After we got back from the appointment, my sister decided we should probably take my weekly photo early because, well, I may not make it to 40 weeks! Or, if I do, I may be pretty uncomfortable and not wanting to do so. So, here's what may be my last pregnancy shot!

Blue Moon

Well tonight is the blue moon I've been worrying about. I guess it's time to see what this superstition is all about. Will it bring us a baby?

If not, family history says he won't be here until at least Sunday. Only time will tell...

Serious FOMO

I never thought I'd have such FOMO (fear of missing out) while pregnant. It's the last beautiful days of summer and everyone is boating and swimming and running races, BBQing, enjoying the gorgeous weather and I've been largely stuck on the couch with a heating pad. It's times like this that really do make me so grateful that my pregnancy has, for the most part, really not held me back in my life at all. I slowed down some but for all intents and purposes, I've been really functional. Until now.

I was also easily able to maintain a sunny demeanor and take frustrating comments with a grain of salt (at least from the outside), but now I feel like I should be placed in solitary confinement for my own good. I'm easily annoyed by little things, I find myself taking everything personally, I'm absolutely over thinking everything. I feel trapped in my body and mind and I really have no escape. There's nothing I can do that I want to. I'm tired and starving all the time. Now that I think about it, I feel a lot like a baby. No wonder they cry all the time.

I also feel insanely silly thinking I was in early labor a few days ago. I think I let my last appointment get to my head. It's great that he's head down and we're close to the finish line, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen over night. So many women are uncomfortable for long stretches of their pregnancy and it doesn't mean the baby is coming, it just means they're uncomfortable. So why should I think this is any different for me? 

We've got 6 days left until the anticipated D day. We'll see if you decide to come on time!

Big Day

Today is my big presentation to the CEO. I've been telling the baby he can't come out until after today. I think he got the memo, but I did not specify that I should not be in early labor today as well.

I don't think he's coming today and I will make it through my presentation but something is definitely going on that wasn't exactly planned for today's agenda...

Getting Ready

Today I had my 39 week check up. For the first time my belly went down in size (38.5 last week to 36 this week) and the midwife said the baby had moved into my pelvis and was ready for action. She guessed he was about 7 1/4 lbs.

It was the first time I left an appointment with the very real realization that my baby is coming soon. Very soon. I mean, I knew I was 9 days from my due date, but I had convinced myself he would come late. Now that I look at family history I realize how stupid that is. My sisters first was born the day after her due date and her second 11 days before. My cousin had hers the day after her due date and I know I was born early. Why on earth did I think I would go late?

For most of today I had some cramping, a few Braxton hicks contractions and just overall discomfort. Looking back, I've been cramping and having back pain all week. I'm not sure if that means this baby is coming soon, but I'm getting more and more doubtful I'll still be pregnant on my due date.

The midwife actually said today "enjoy this weekend with empty hands and a full belly because soon you'll have your hands full with an empty belly". 

I thought it was really cute when she said it but then it made me realize I think he means I won't make it to next weekend without a baby... Crazy!

I guess at this point only time will tell...

It's hard for 2 pregnant ladies to hug each other

12 days until D day. I can't believe how quickly it's gone but yet so slowly at the same time. I can't remember life not pregnant but I can feel my body getting less and less compliant with his continued growth.

I'm so lucky to have been so healthy thus far and to have had such an amazing support system. I never could have dreamed I'd be so lucky as to have not one, not two but 3 friends pregnant at the same time. It's great to have that support and understanding from people who are in the same boat. It will also be great to have overlapping maternity leave with at least one of them. But that being said, when you need a hug and support, its really hard for 2 pregnant ladies to hug each other. Luckily, there's always ice cream.

Unfortunately, ice cream and mass amounts of steak have gotten me to the point where they're warning me that my child will likely be 8lbs or more. I'm totally ok that my son will be on the bigger side. Rumor has it larger babies sleep better and I'm mentally prepared for anything under 10lbs. I don't want him huge and unhealthy, but I also don't want him too small to be stable on his own. The midwife assumes he's about 6lbs or so now, so I'm not concerned with the latter.

While I'm happy my baby is getting bigger and stronger and ready to sustain life on his own, I honestly still feel really functional and not THAT big. Unfortunately, comments from the peanut gallery lead me to believe differently from time to time. Today I was sitting in a common area of work and a woman, who has 3 children of her own, politely asked when I was due then said "well I don't see how you could get any bigger". Ouch. I was kind of feeling good about myself before then. I mean, I'm not wearing my best outfit ever, but I did laps this morning, I'm still mostly mobile and only have a few pieces that I've fully popped out of. I've seen some women at 38+ weeks look a lot bigger and sloppier than I do, but that comment just really kind of burst my bubble. Obviously I'm a bit sensitive right now. I'm doing the best I can and only growing as much as I need to but comments about the size of my body have never been able to handle. Only a few more weeks now...

What's in a name?

Oh, baby. You aren't even here yet my darling baby boy and already your name is causing quite a stir. We've been set on your first name for quite some time, ever since we knew you were a boy. However, a mere 2 weeks before you're set to join us your dad has decided he's not a fan of the middle name mom picked out so now we're back to the drawing board.

Mom had a few family names as back ups but because they're currently being used in some capacity by living family members, it's considered bad luck to use them. Then any other name mom likes happens to give you an unfortunate monogram.

I'm pretty uncomfortable these days and quite emotional, not to mention I'm understaffed at work for the next 2 weeks with a presentation to the CEO and senior leadership set for a mere 9 days before your due date. To say this is bad timing is quite the understatement.

Let's hope mom and dad come to an agreement on your name sooner than later or you may leave the hospital name-free for a while...

A little sad

I'm finding myself a bit hormonal and sad tonight. Today started with another wild goose chase for a working pool. I did end up getting into the pool but for shorter and a bit later than I wanted to. 

The work day was ok but ended with a few broken products and some unhappy emails. I'm also feeling like I didn't look like my most professional self today. My fuse is getting a bit short and my filter has gotten pretty loose. I need to pull it together for another few weeks and stay professional.

So on top of that, my sister told me that she saw a 37 week pregnant woman hiking a mountain today. I can't help but think that was me a month ago and now I sit here with sore hips and unable to walk more than a mile. I know it's been a busy and rough month both schedule and health wise, but its hard not to feel like I've fallen quickly. These days I wake up sore and waddle to the pool to share a PT lane with a one-legged woman and to soak in a therapy pool with a couple of octogenarians. It doesn't exactly help me feel fit.

Here's hoping I wake up feeling better than I do tonight... 

And now here's a picture of Milo not loving his new back seat reality 

37 weeks

That seems like so far along. Today I'm 37 weeks pregnant. I could have my baby any day and he would be healthy. Granted, I don't think that's going to happen (him coming any day now), but it's still a crazy thought.

Being so close to mommyhood has made me a little anxious. Things that normally wouldn't bother me are and I have that first trimester exhaustion all over again. It does make me a bit concerned about handling labor and a newborn and interrupted sleep patterns. It sounds silly, but it is reassuring to know this is all normal...

Today E is going on a day trip to do man things. I was kind of hurt when he first asked. I felt like he didn't want to spend time with me before the baby comes or that he doesn't want to get the house ready. Then I put myself in his shoes. This is probably one of the last times he'll be able to just go off for a day without a care for a while. He needs some me time before becoming a daddy. I need to be understanding and give that to him. 

So I'm going to make a pedicure appointment and get some things done around the house. Nothing taxing (obviously!) but there are still nagging tasks I need to get off my plate. Stupid thank you cards...

Now is the time my patience is tested. It takes me longer to do things, I have to constantly think about myself and my body, the finish line is in sight, but not THAT close. Change is imminent but I still have some time to wait. This is the hardest time for me mentally. Lets hope I make it through ok...

Excitement

Today we had our 36 week ultrasound. I now totally understand why some moms buy packages to third party vendors to see their baby more than is typically done or recommended by medical professionals. It's exciting to see your baby, I somehow feel closer to him because I saw him and I know he's there. I mean, it's obvious he's there. I have a giant belly, but just seeing him move in there and hearing his strong little heart beat just makes it all more real somehow.

I had a friend recommend I try to get a "cute" ultrasound picture today and honestly, I don't have one and I really don't want one. While it would be nice to have right now, I appreciate that our midwifery gets in there, see's what they need to then doesn't waste time pumping electricity into my body and my baby. We saw what we needed to see and got out of there. I'm a happy mama and he appears to be a healthy baby.

They approximate him currently at about 5lbs using hippie midwife hand measuring, not the ultrasound machine - which can be up to 2lbs off. Crazy! But the little (not so little) guy is head down (as he's been since 22 weeks), spine to my left with a strong heart beat. I can't say I could ask for anything more.

I'm getting really excited to meet this little nugget of joy. He's already shown such a unique personality in there. I can't wait to meet him.

Pushing the Limit

I knew August was going to be an interesting month but I really had no idea. It hasn't even started yet and I'm already dreading it. Luckily the temperature has been cooperating, but I'm still getting bigger and a bit more uncomfortable each week. My right hand at work gets married next weekend so I'm flying solo for the next 2 weeks. Add to that a newly announced presentation to senior leadership and our CEO a mere 9 days before my due date and you have a thoroughly stressed out pregnant lady.

I know I can do it, I was just not really THAT concerned about going early but now I'm kind of terrified. What if I do go early? What if there's no one to give this presentation or to prepare it? I'm clearly needed at work and I can't just be out right now.

My company has been amazingly supportive and flexible with me when I was battling the pain and exhaustion of shingles by letting me flex my time, head home for naps, work from home or finish my day on off hours. But now, I see that I'm still very much needed and not "off the hook" (for lack of a better phrase) on the work front. I'm going to really need to push through the next 2 weeks and crush it until the very last day I can.

Luckily we just had our talk about pain management during labor and about how you should only focus on what you can handle now and in the moment and not what you think you can handle in an hour or two. That seems to transition quite well to this scenario. I just need to take the next 3 weeks day by day and do what I can in each day and not focus on how I will feel 9 days before my due date, presenting to our CEO and likely trying to squeeze into anything I can that looks presentable at that point.

But now to worry about the hour by hour, the day by day. To steal a play from the Birth Journeys playbook "I.Can.Do.This"

Laziness vs Listening to Your Body

Somehow I went from loving a lazy day in my pre-pregnancy life to feeling guilty for having to bow out of activities.

Today we were invited to brunch in Montpelier, and I was all for it but E reminded me about how often I push myself a bit too much and feel completely wiped out. I hate it when he's right...

Now I'm laying here on the couch, propped on my left side with pillows propping my hips open like a good pregnant lady while E is out for a nice long walk with pup. I hate missing out on these family moments. I'm getting antsy just laying here.

I think the antsy part comes from spending the better part of the past week on modified bed rest in all of the 'no no' positions for getting the baby out the right way and without back labor. As of this morning I officially think he's in the posterior position and while I have enough time to reposition him, it makes me anxious to laze about because most of the comfortable positions aren't recommended at this time.

I see how a lot of women get tired of this point of pregnancy. It's hard to get comfortable and stay that way. This is when that whole floating, water, weightless thing really makes sense. If it were nicer out today I would be out floating somewhere. But alas, it's just me and my couch and a whole lot of gravity. 

Now if I could only figure out the best time to do cat and cow poses and not feel like I'm on the verge of vomming I'd be a lot more comfortable lazing about and doing my best to get this baby to flip over...

Looking for Signs

So one of the things I failed to mention about our ordeal on Friday was something that has really stuck with me. Anyone who knows me knows I try to find signs in things because, well, it makes the world feel a little less scary to think someone is giving you clues along the way.

So as you know, on Friday, I woke up in agonizing pain and terrified by what may be happening in my body. I was convinced BabyG was dislocating my ribs or something dramatic. The pain was unimaginable. So after I finally let Evan convince me it was time for him to call the midwife for advice I was uncontrollably sobbing and convinced someone was going to have to cut my baby out of me that day. By the time we received instructions to head up to Birthing Center I had resigned to the fact that all of my natural child birthing hopes and dreams and plans were just out the window. I imagined sending a picture of my premature child to my sister, who was supposed to coach me through a natural birth and hoping she wouldn't be disappointed. And just the thought of being out of work starting that day without any real out of office instructions started up even more crying fits.

Evan strapped an ice pack to my side and escorted me to the car gently and slowly and lovingly. Got in and turned the car on. We were immediately greeted with the first keys of our wedding song. Huh. Mind you, our wedding song was You're My Best Friend by Queen. Not really a song you hear every day but also not THAT rare to hear. The weird part to me was that I typically tune the radio back to NPR when I roll into the driveway so my car starts in the morning with news and not music or, even worse, loud commercials. Ugh. So to have the car turn on to a non NPR station that just so happens to be playing our wedding song is to say the least, quite the coincidence.

At the time, I took this as a clue that we would be having our baby that day but that everything was going to be fine. I took solace in that and gritted through the pain on the way to the hospital. But now that we're almost a week out from that day and the baby is still very much in me and not on his way out, I'm wondering what that really meant. Granted, it soothing me and giving me solace is likely enough. Even if my conclusion was (thankfully) incorrect. But is there something more there?

Maybe it was meant to remind me that my husband and I are bound by love and respect and yes, friendship. That we're going to get through the good times and the bad (granted, something we did not have in our vows to my recollection but still a valid point), that he will always be there for me and will support me in ways I've never really allowed him to. Because I need him. We need each other. I don't think I could have gotten through that day without him. He was so amazing. So supportive. So loving and really took charge in ways I've never seen him do. Again, because I never really let him. I'm usually the take charge person. Because I like taking charge, not because he's ever failed to do so. As I think back, I never really allow myself to be scared and need to be taken care of. This was the first time in our entire relationship that Evan was able to or had to really support me in that capacity. He's always been supportive but this is just a totally different level of support. I physically couldn't speak, or stop crying, or really move. I've never been that dependent in my adult life. Ever. I've never broken a bone or been hospitalized. I've never needed someone that much and fully as a grown up. I have to say, my husband really rose to the challenge and I love him more deeply for it.

29 days to go until our "due date" and while I can't wait to meet our little man, I need him to be patient so I can heal fully and prepare for his arrival. Sit tight little one. Mommy wants to meet you but it's not time yet!

Lord make it go away

I've said it before but I'll say it again, I am SO grateful I was so healthy and active for so long in my pregnancy. I haven't been able to be active since Wednesday last week and its killing me. Just when I thought I was getting better, I had a pretty painful day and lo and behold... my shingles spread. For serious!?! I was really hoping to get back to the pool by tomorrow. 

I managed to squeak out a mile or so of a dog walk with hubs tonight and plan to wake up early enough for another mile or so dog walk in the morning. I'm not sure swimming is in my best interest right now but I figure walking can't hurt...

Here's hoping this goes away soon! This shit is getting old 

Relief in the form of giant horse pills

Today I went back to work then headed to the dr to try and figure out exactly what's wrong with me. We met with my

Midwife, whom I love, and she listened to bambino while checking me out. Toward the end of our visit I pointed out to her a tender red spot about 6 inches below the sore rib spot that sent me to the hospital only a few days earlier. Her eyes lit up and it clicked. Shingles, she says. Shingles. Apparently shingles are extremely painful and effect only one side either right or left. The rash was the missing piece.

She called in one of the doctors for a second opinion and called Dr Jennie who helped me at the hospital on Friday. Apparently Jennie squealed with delight when Kristen called her. The pieces all came together for them. 

I did some googling because honestly, I knew little to nothing about shingles. I knew it was a form of chicken pox that happened in adults vs children, but not really anything else. To be honest, I was concerned it meant I was a huge pain wimp but apparently they can be extremely painful and anyone I've talked to that knows someone who's had it has said it's some of the worst pain you can experience. I guess I'll take that! I'm just relieved that nothing is broken and I'll be fully healed in time for this kid to come out. Whew!

A different kind of scale

It's been an eventful few days over here, my dear friends. It all started at around 2am Friday morning with me waking up to change out my ice pack and go pee. I had been sleeping with an ice pack on due to some dullish rib pain. I awoke again at 5:30am in excruciating pain. Now I know pain scales are pretty subjective based on the person experiencing the pain and up for negotiation as to what actually is "unbearable" or "excruciating". For the first time in my life, when I was asked to rate my pain on a scale from 1-10, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the worst pain I've ever felt, I actually answered 10. I could barely breathe and was uncontrollably sobbing.

Thankfully, I have an amazingly supportive and wonderful husband who immediately sprung into action. If you thought you loved a man fully before experiencing him rubbing your back while simultaneously calling your midwife to talk about hospitalization and pain management options for his sobbing mess of a wife, think again. My heart grew 3x that day.


We then headed straight to the birthing center at our local hospital to meet our midwife and to get me checked out. This is when my sobbing got really bad. I was just seeing all of my natural vaginal child birthing plans fly out the window and having a hard time with it. I knew they weren't taking me to the hospital to take the baby, but depending on what was wrong with me, I was irrationally afraid they would have to take him out early. Something I wasn't ready for and really didn't want.  I had to check my fears and compose myself because when you're having severe rib/chest pain, crying really doe exacerbate the situation.

We got to the hospital and found the right floor and met with our midwife at the nurses station. They admitted me and put me into a triage room on the labor & delivery floor. They asked me loads of questions while I was still writhing in pain like some poor sap dying of a gunshot wound in a western. I always thought those scenes were over acted. I sit corrected.

So after several hours of them monitoring the baby and trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with me, the head nurse on call and resident on staff were leaning toward kidney stones. Then my Dr came in and I swear I heard angels singing. Now to give you some context, my midwifery is a collective. This means there are 3 midwives and 2 doctors that you see during your pregnancy and depending on who is on call, could be present at your birth. Now Kristen was my OBGYN before we even started trying. She birthed both of my sisters kids and is just absolutely wonderful. Since the beginning of my pregnancy, Kristen has been and remains my favorite midwife and Amy was my favorite MD with Jennie coming up third. Jennie was the one who sat through our uneventful first 20 week ultrasound and was able to tell us "there's penis everywhere" for our second, more successful, 20 week ultrasound.

So I'm in the hospital for the first time ever in my life, in the worst pain of my life and in walks Jennie and I felt this huge wave of relief wash over me. She came in, took a look at me, took a look at my charts and tells the nurse and resident she doesn't think it's kidney stones and starts gently palpitating me to prove to them its likely ribs and not stones. She stands by me and we talk about my pain management options. She knows I want a natural birth and haven't taken any OTC meds since November so she knows this is a really important discussion for me. She tells me what they want to give me and how much and what it will do to both me and the baby. We order in an egg sandwich (it was delightful btw) so I have something in my system before taking pain meds.

We decide on a pain reliever and muscle relaxer and in 15 minutes I'm down from a 10 on the pain scale to a 5. After another hour of observation (a total of 5+ hours round trip) and I'm out the door with instructions from Jennie to take the pills based on the instructions as much as I need them but as little as I have to and to call her on Monday to make a follow up appointment to check me out and discuss alternative pain management techniques like acupuncture.

One of the bonuses to being in the birthing center for the better part of a day was that we got to hear a baby being born in the room next to us. Only a few quiet(ish) grunts heard from the room next door and the faint mewling noise of a newborn. As E wheels me past the room we hear Jennie say "woah, placenta!". That's when I knew I loved her and that I want her to be at my birth. She's now been the source of 2 great quotes in my pregnancy. She's a keeper.

I attempted to start this post several times but was too medicated to stay awake or string together words and make sentences. Since Friday I've been slowly improving but having a hard time being on bed rest. I have the utmost respect for women who are stuck on bed rest for weeks or months during their pregnancy. For me it's been 2 days and I'm going bananas. Here's hoping I'm able to get through a day of work tomorrow and that Jennie clears me for physical activity so I can regain my sanity for the remainder of my pregnancy.

As much as I would prefer not to have had this situation arise, a lot was learned from my experiences:

1. The staff at the birthing center at Fletcher Allen Hospital is great.
2. I love my midwifery and am so confident in my ability to have a great birthing experience with them.
3. We should not trust our GPS instructions for getting to the hospital on labor day.
4. My husband is amazing and capable of being supportive of me when I'm in agony.
5. I'm surrounded by loving people who care for me and will sneak into my house to leave me flowers and ice cream.
6. I now need to be more open minded.
When I was at the peak of my pain on Friday I was terrified that I would have to have a cesarean. Now that I'm healing but not fully healed, I am concerned should I go into labor before I'm fully healed I would need medication. Having felt so horrible and so afraid my baby would be in pain (he was a total rock star during the entire ordeal, by the way) I realized that the way he makes it out is less important than his overall health and his ability to get out safely.

I still hope I will be able to have a natural vaginal birth, but I'm more open minded now than even a few days ago to my options should they be deemed necessary. I've been humbled by my experience and more than a little bit scared. I continue to be impressed by what my body can handle and how clearly it speaks to me when it cannot handle something without help.

Now that I've been on bed rest since Friday I've been stress eating ice cream and a bit worried about my next meeting with the scale. Let's hope this one also doesn't leave me in excruciating pain...

I'm sure there's a biblical reference here...

Well I'm 34.5 weeks pregnant and officially uncomfortable for the first time. Let me clarify. Not just uncomfortable. In some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire recollection of pains felt in my life. This is exactly the reason why I stayed as functional as possible and did as many things around the house and at work as possible. I have zero guilt (not that I should at all) for being completely laid up right now. It's not mandated bed rest, but any small movement makes me cringe and actually brings an occasional tear to my eye.

So what's happening you ask? Oh, well my amazing baby who has been phenomenally head down for 12 weeks decided to move from his cozy position along my right side to my left and has in the process dislocated at least one or more ribs. Hence the biblical reference. I'd elaborate but I've never read the bible. But I know enough to know there's something there. I'm pretty sure it has to do with me and a mans ribs but apparently my baby isn't religious either so he didn't get the memo that he's not supposed to eff with moms ribs in utero. But I digress.

When he first moved it wasn't THAT bad. Occasional sharp pain with a dull ache. Not awesome but not terrible. Then I bent down today. That's when I felt a rib move. Oh then things got fun. 

At this point any movement is painful. Silly things like getting in or out of the car or sitting on the toilet can reduce me to tears. Exciting stuff. 

The nurse at my midwifery said it should subside by tomorrow and to ice it but in general there's really nothing I can do. Again. Really exciting stuff here...

Here's hoping my ribs chill out sooner than later because this is horse hockey.

Ready

During your pregnancy, especially near the later months, people will ask you "are you ready?" My answer was always that I didn't want to rush it and I was doing my best to enjoy each day in this stage of my life and that my baby needs more time to grow before I'm ready for him to come out.

That's a really polite way of saying "no." I mean, it's totally true, but I just knew I wasn't ready yet. Well, kids, at 5.5 weeks out, I think I'm nearing the ready stage. Now that we've had a few more birthing classes under our belt and I'm starting to get uncomfortable, I'm getting more and more prepared to meet our boy. We're still not 100% there in terms of "things" but newborns don't really need a lot of things. Just for my boobies to be functional and my body to be ready to get him out.

While I've enjoyed my pregnancy, I'm glad my gestation period is almost complete. I'm so excited to be a mommy and to meet my boy, but I'm also ready to regain my body. I know it won't be "mine" for some time, but to move freely without pain in the somewhat near future. To bend over, shave my legs, paint my toes, do situps. I never thought I'd miss situps! Oh the joy. I miss my cheekbones, my clavicle, my waist. A waist! God I miss having a waist. Not that it was anything to write home about, but I miss my old body. I've really enjoyed growing this one and the process of getting here but now we're to the less fun parts that make moving difficult, sitting difficult, pretty much everything difficult. I can see how some women don't enjoy pregnancy. I've been so blessed to have such an able body that has allowed me to remain active and flexible and mostly functional up until now. I'm still pretty darn functional, just not comfortably. Here's hoping I can make friends with a pool and get some gravity-free time to get me through the next few weeks. I'm also no longer betting on this kid coming out in September. You come whenever you're ready baby. Mommy can't wait to meet you.

Slowing Down

Well I knew it. The time has come. My ability to remain active and at mostly the same speed as my pre-pregnancy self has gone bye bye.

We went to a wedding this past weekend and I was determined to have a better time than at the last one. While the company was vastly improved for the most part (I even had a fellow pregger to keep me company!), my energy level dropped quickly and any attempt on my part to bust a move was met with a low deep stretching muscley feeling in my low abdomen. Not something I'm really going to mess with. So by 9:30 I was in the tub at the hotel eating a vastly overpriced Snickers from the minibar. A small slice of pregnant lady heaven.

I woke up the next morning with an annoying cramp in my left side. That cramp has now turned into sharp, shooting pain that makes #2ing and sneezing a quite painful experience. After some crafty Googling I found out I likely have my first real pregnancy side effect. Subloxated Ribs.

Pain in the mid-back that radiates into the ribcage is often due to subluxations that cause the nerves between the ribs to get irritated. It may be uncomfortable to take a deep breath when this occurs. Chiropractic adjustments remove the subluxations to decrease the pain and return normal function. - See more at: http://womenswellnesscare.com/common-pregnancy-discomforts-that-do-not-have-to-be-so-common-2/#sthash.mab6y3wQ.dpuf

 Here's what the experts have to say:

Rib pain during pregnancy can be a persistent problem, especially during the third trimester. Your rib cage may feel mildly sore or extremely tender and bruised. You may have discomfort on either side, or both sides, though it is commonly worse on the right side of the ribs. Pain occurs in and under the ribs as your uterus grows. Later in pregnancy, your abdomen becomes stretched, and your uterus stretches upward as well as outward. Your pelvis and abdomen are becoming full, and your baby is beginning to press up under your ribs and chest. This upward pressure from your baby may also make you feel short of breath. This pressure on your ribs and diaphragm may also result in shoulder pain, because there are nerves in the diaphragm which can refer pain into the shoulders.

Pain in the mid-back that radiates into the ribcage is often due to subluxations that cause the nerves between the ribs to get irritated. It may be uncomfortable to take a deep breath when this occurs. Chiropractic adjustments remove the subluxations to decrease the pain and return normal function. - See more at: http://womenswellnesscare.com/common-pregnancy-discomforts-that-do-not-have-to-be-so-common-2/#sthash.mab6y3wQ.dpuf

Let me translate this for you: "Suck it up preggeroni. You've only got a few more weeks to go"

I do have to say that while I feel pretty darn uncomfortable right now, I've still been so lucky to have had a relatively easy pregnancy with very few side effects and (at least as of now) no stretch marks. Huzzah!

Let's hope this kid proves me wrong and doesn't come late. Mama is getting a wee bit miserable.

Mood Swinging

Well I think they call this the 'home stretch.' If babyG decides to come on time I'll only be pregnant for 6 more weeks. If memory serves me correctly, this is exactly how many weeks pregnant I was when I found out I was going to be a mommy. 

Since then I've definitely gained a different level of respect for my body and the female form in general, gained about 30 pounds, fully unleashed my love for ice cream, learned countless lessons about myself, life, my relationship and my family and what it means to be a mommy. And I know I still have so much more to learn.

Lately it seems easy for people to try and turn my pregnancy into something negative. Yes it's hot, yes I'm big, yes my energy levels are waning and yes I've been pregnant for a long time. But I'm growing life, I'm going to meet my baby soon and it's no more hot here than anywhere else and I'm no bigger than any other woman who's 34 weeks pregnant. Being a bit uncomfortable is better than my baby coming before he's ready. 

I worry that I've let some of this get to me. The last few days I've been a little sad. It's one of those sads where you're not 100% sure why it's there or where it came from, but I have a few guesses. 

I think I'm sad because I'm not ready for him to come out yet. 

I think I'm sad because I am uncomfortable.

I think I'm sad because it's easy to let people's negative comments about my body make me feel less beautiful. 

I know I'm a little sad because I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I can't do everything I once did and I don't take well to feeling limited or weak. 

I know I'm going to need to get used to that for the next 6 or so weeks, but that's a long time to be sad and that's not how I want to end my pregnancy. I'm just not sure how to pick myself up by the bootstraps and put on a happy face. 

I don't think it helps that we've had a very long last few weeks. So many events, so many visitors, so many trips and too many nights away from my own bed.

This is our last week of travel before I'm homeward bound and waiting for our baby to come out and meet us. I'm trying to put on a happy face and be excited but the excitement isn't coming quite yet. I'm even more sad that I'm not excited about a wedding. It makes me sad because I love weddings. They're so full of promise and happiness and love. Going to a wedding pregnant is more difficult than I ever imagined. Strangers feel compelled to say things about your body that make you feel less confident in a formal gown. By getting this out I'm hoping to release this negativity and allow myself to be happier and more confident. Here's hoping it works!

Baby, I can't wait to meet you and be your mommy. I hope you know how hard I have worked to be the best mommy I can. I know I won't be perfect, but no one is. But I promise to learn and grow with you. Daddy and I love you so much. We're so excited to meet you, but stay in there until you're ready. We'll wait.

Future CEO vs. Rebel Extraordinaire

I've been in no less than 5 meetings today, most of them spanning an hour or more. This child has not moved unless I was in a meeting. Granted, the majority of my day was spent in conference rooms but I do not think it's a coincidence that he only moves and grooves when mommy is quiet and trying to pay attention to other people. That's when my favorite distraction decides to moonwalk across my midsection.

Either this little one loves meetings and is primed to be a future CEO, or he's a regular mischief maker and destined for the life of a rebel. Only time will tell...

Being Thankful

I know I've already posted a few times today but seeing as I'm catching up and reflecting back, a lot is on my mind so bear with me.

As I sat with family last weekend and have been reading, watching and hearing more birth stories, I've been reflecting a lot on my pregnancy.

I'll be the first to admit I've had a blessed pregnancy so far. No real nausea, zero vomiting, no real health issues or implications. I was able to keep my pregnancy a secret as long as I wanted/needed to and maintain my daily life in a way that didn't tip anyone off. I've been able to remain active throughout the entire time. As I close in on the final weeks of my pregnancy I can't help but marvel at what my body has and continues to do. I lay in bed at night and hope to erase all of the bad things I've ever thought or said about my body. I feel my baby move and kick and grown and take back each time I've longed for slimmer hips or ribs or even just a few less pounds or a more waifish frame.  My body was made for this and has been doing an exemplary job at it. I almost get teary just thinking about the women who have fertility issues, pregnancy issues or birthing issues and how easy it was for me to get and stay pregnant then to thoroughly enjoy my pregnancy and hope to have a similar situation in birth and labor.

I'm also truly blessed to live in a state where my decisions about my body are my own to make. I'm not forced to do any one thing for my labor and delivery or even my pregnancy. I am able to birth at a hospital where specific birth wishes are a given. I will be allowed skin to skin contact with my baby. He can sleep in my room with me. I can request no intervention unless absolutely necessary, etc. I can also remain mobile during labor if I choose, use a pool if I'd like to, and even pull my own baby from myself if I want and am able to.

While I'm still weeks away from meeting my little guy, I look forward to enjoying the remainder of my pregnancy to the best of my ability and doing what I can to attempt the most comfortable (relatively speaking of course), timely, natural and safe entry into this world for my son. Here's hoping this fairy tale pregnancy has a story book ending.

Documenting the Process

Before our trip to the Berkshires we met with my sister for a quick maternity session. I had been stressing out a little about the scheduling aspect because we've been so busy and if we didn't sneak it in randomly between trips, I'd be huge by the time we got to them and likely wouldn't be happy with how I looked in them. One of the benefits of having a photographer for a sister is that not only do you get incredible photos at a moments notice, but she edits a few choice shots right away and sends them to you before you're even expecting them.

Here are some of our "proofs". I cannot wait to see how some of the rest of them came out!!

 

Reflecting Pool

I took a bit of a blog break because we've spent the last few weeks traveling around the Northeast and visiting with friends and family. We have but one weekend of travel left before I can finally sit back, relax and just be pregnant. It's been so great to see everyone but I definitely feel my energy levels waning a bit. The heat we've been having doesn't help either.

Over the last weekend in June we traveled to the Berkshires in Massachusetts to reconnect with E's college friends and to finally meet their burgeoning families. Everyone's kids were so well behaved and mild mannered and all really got along well! It was quite surprising, actually. It's always fun to see E interacting with kids because it doesn't happen often and kids either love him or are very unsure for quite some time. Luckily most of the kids really loved him (and me too), which was really great.

As a special bonus I was also called "the most impressive pregnant woman" by a friend who has been pregnant not once but twice. So that was a total win! We also went to the beach and I broke out the fat lady bikini. Here's a photo to embarrass myself with now and in the future.

This past weekend we traveled further south to New York for a family wedding. While traveling in a southward direction during a heat wave isn't always my favorite thing to do, it was so lovely to catch up some of the more far flung family members we don't get to see all that often. Especially E's sister and her family. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since our last visit. They hadn't been back to the states since she officiated our wedding in 2011. Since then they've had another sweet baby whom we got to meet for the first time. As luck would have it, they're hopefully planning to move back to the states, which would just be delightful!

While we had seen them more recently than E's sister, his cousin and her husband were in from Denver and have also had a baby since we last saw them about a year or more ago. Their little one is 3 months old and such a little cutie. It was so nice to see them so happy and such wonderful parents already. It makes me so excited to meet our little one.

Now any trip to the metro NY area wouldn't be complete without a few fun stories now would it? While it was super lovely to see everyone, not everyone was as lovely with their words. Don't get me wrong, some people really were! Here's my list of the best and the "best" quotes from the weekend.

Best:
"I was talking to my friend this morning after seeing you last night and I said 'I saw the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world last night!'" She then went on to say I was more beautiful now than before, which she wasn't sure was possible, and that she had never seen the pregnant woman glow people talk about and that I had it. This person is obviously my favorite. Love them.

"Best" - please note that by the "best" I mean ohmygod how did that come out of your mouth without you being immediately embarrassed by yourself:

Quote 1:
Me to bride: "you look beautiful!"
Bride to me: "you look pregnant!"
uuuhhhh... thanks?

Quote 2: 
After seeing me and waving politely but walking away this person comes back around to apologize for "not recognizing" me then proceeds to ask "are you having a cesarean section?". So not only am I apparently unrecognizably large, but so large that one cannot comprehend that my child will come out of me any other way than surgically. Um, thanks, super awesome person.

I do have to say, that my husband was absolutely amazing this weekend. Constantly showering me with praise and making sure I was taken care of and comfortable. There may be a lot of people in this world who don't know how to speak to a pregnant woman, but I am so lucky and grateful to be surrounded by amazing people who love me.

Well that is my reflection over the next 2 weeks. Now to find a pool to float in because at 33 weeks pregnant I officially understand that whole "pregnant women love being in water" thing. Totally get it.

What You Don't Know Can Hurt You

My summer marathon of baby showers has officially ended. As I review, research and organize all of the gifts we've received (seriously, people were so generous it was almost vomitous. This kid is so effing lucky) I've learned a LOT of not so well known facts about major brands that I felt the need to share with y'all.

First off, Johnson & Johnson (JNJ). About 2 years ago it was made public that JNJ knowingly had cancer causing chemicals in their products. This includes baby wash, shampoo and lotion. Article Here

Because they have until 2015 to clean up their act, this likely means they won't actually be done until 2020 when all of our kids have 12 arms and cancer coming out of their pie holes. Something I should have been more aware of but had totally forgotten is that Aveeno is also owned by JNJ. So while it's a "better" brand, there are still noted carcinogens hiding in their products that have been green washed to make us feel safe. Ack!

After some further research regarding the best baby products (at least in my opinion, obviously I'm no expert) I have confirmed that Burt's Bees, while still safe, is now owned by Clorox so I won't be using them after the Baby Bee's gifts I've received run out.  As a Vermont company, and one of the few large green brands that has yet to be bought out, I've now landed on my brand of choice as Seventh Generation Wee Generation. Sure, it's a bit expensive, but it's worth it for the peace of mind. Again, in my opinion.

Now onto food. Today I came across this article, which scared the bejesus out of me. There are literally things in food marketed to parents and children that are banned in other countries. WTF. It's times like this that make me so happy and grateful that I work in a place that subsidizes my organic meals, makes local produce purchases easier and more convenient and has helped effectively remove quite a few typical barriers to healthier eating and purchasing that others regularly face.

Ok now to sunscreen. I know, seriously, there's a lot of bad shit out there people.  A friend helped me realize the dangers of the toxins in conventional sunscreens (no this is not the same friend who got me to switch to natural deodorant). A few people have since recommended coconut oil as an all natural sunscreen alternative. Who'd a thunk it? I had no idea! It's findings like this that make me super excited for the pending Trader Joe's in Burlington. I think they sell coconut oil for around $8 for 32 oz. So much cheaper than sunscreen AND better for you.

So now it's clear that I'm slowly (or not so slowly) becoming a total hippie. While I don't have the land, resources or time (yet) to grow my own garden or raise my own chickens, I'm kind of naturally heading down that path. I guess it's a good thing we moved to Vermont because this shit would just not fly in Brooklyn.

You know you're irrational, hormonal and pregnant when

You may actually throttle your husband for the following:

A) eating loudly

B) eating ice pops loudly

C) eating YOUR metric ton of ice pops from Costco loudly

D) eating your metric ton of ice pops from Costco loudly when it's not even hot out

E) eating your metric ton of ice pops from Costco loudly when it's not even hot out and you're anticipating future hot weather which makes you want to stab him even more because you're anticipating being huge and uncomfortable.

If I were irrational and hormonal I would totally feel this way if this situation were happening but it's not and I totally don't feel this way right now. Nope. Not at all.

Nesting Nears Completion

I can't believe it but I'm almost out of projects in my house. I know. Shocking.

It's amazing what's few coats of paint and stain, rearranging what you own mixed with a few new things and repurposing a whole room will do to make a house feel more like a home. Only one room left to tackle and dare I say it, I feel home.