Today we went to the beach. I hate everything about the beach, except the thought of a perfect beach day, which is strong enough to keep me going back for more punishment.
Packing for the beach sucks. Walking in sand sucks. Laying in sand sucks. Getting salt water in your eyes sucks balls. Getting sand in your vajay sucks even worse.
And then there are the people at the beach. I'm still not sure which is worse, the beautiful skinny assholes that make me look bad, or the super gross people that make themselves look bad.
On one hand, people like being surrounded by attractive people. Yes I know this is horrible and vapid but it's true. If it wasn't true cities like NY and LA wouldn't exist. Anyway, on the other hand, super skinny jerks who look awesome in bathing suits make hate myself and my love of carbs. Fuck you skinny jerkwads. I love beer and potatoes. I'm going to hang out in the gross section and slowly become their queen.
On top of that, I have a serious fear of things that live in the ocean and their ability to touch me when I'm in it. And for showing my boobs in public. Both fears came true today.
While swimming, and by swimming I mean standing in the water and peeing, with my cousin, she was pinched by a crab, and then we saw a 10lb tuna that had a huge fucking bite taken out of it. Not kidding you. That shit was huge and still alive but quickly dying. Luckily we left when some locals convinced the lifeguard on duty to stab and fillet the fish on the beach while their kids watched. I really wish I was joking.
Oh yeah, and on my way into the water I stood up after having had enough wine to take off my cover up in front of the dozen skinny bitches to my immediate left and my top just popped right off. In hindsight, I should have taken that as a sign that no good would come of me going into God's spittoon and that I should stay on land near the wine.
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