As I lay on the couch not watching a gruesomely violent mobster movie my husband picked out I realized I haven't felt my baby move yet. I know they say first time mothers often don't know what to feel for and have often felt the sensation without being aware. But even based on what I've been reading, I don't think I've felt it.
I'm not sure why, maybe it was the horribly depressing movie on TV, but I started to worry something might be wrong. Why isn't my baby moving? Things have been so smooth so far that I'm almost waiting for something to happen. I know it's a terrible thought, but it was the first thing to pop in my mind.
I haven't felt bubbles or flutters or gas-like sensations, but I do think I feel my pulse in my stomach. I think that's just my nerves...
I'm not sure why I started feeling emotional and negative tonight. I was really happy with my outfit today and I felt really pretty. (Ok I know that sounds really superficial, so sue me) Maybe it's because I met with our HR benefits partner today and I came to the realization that if I want to take my full 12-week maternity leave I will have to forego pay for 6 full weeks. While I'm very lucky to have an employer that subsidizes 6 full weeks so I'm making 100% pay, I still have 6 more weeks unpaid leave. That stings. Of all the things I thought I had to worry about, I never thought unpaid leave was one of them. The way our society treats motherhood is just gross. The fact that I'm technically on 'disability' is embarrassing. Not to me, to our country. As a new mom I am not disabled. If anything, I'm more able than I have ever been in my life. I've made life, passed it through my body and am now caring for another individual for the first time in my life. What sounds disabled about that? Nothing to me.
As I lay here in bed with my loving husband beside me and my sweet pup fighting sleep at my feet, I can't help but feel absolutely blessed with the life I have been allowed to lead. I can only hope I'm allowed to lead this blessed life for many decades more. With or without 6 weeks of pay...
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